Hat Trick

by Frosty The Showman

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1.
06:56
My name's Homer, and don't you dare ask if it's Simpson You make that mistake and my vision turns crimson Who wins in the collision of the Greeks and the Trojans? If you read it already then you're already knowin but in case you is illiterate perhaps I shouldn't skip to it, the story starts in Ilium some Trojans took a trip to it Flipped a bitch, try'na get at a Trojan player Paris taken Helen but he isn't s'posed to Mene-lay-her prayers to the gods are flyin' left and right, beggin' for a fight, Then Achilles quits the battle out of spite, cripes Let me just back-track a little, Because I lost track of the tale in the middle, And you can't just fiddle with the cannon, cause you'll fail, So lemme tell the tale leading up to the tale. Sing Muse Try to keep me on track while I Sing Muse Cause I need you at my back when I Sing Muse But I keep back-trackin’ cause without what’s before what’s after is lackin’ So the pantheon was havin' them a party, all night, they Put some effort into makin' up the guest list, tidy Rockin' Zeus Hera Ares Aphrodite, Athena Hermes Vulcan - if you're roman - but a biddy weren't invited Little Eris, they’re embarrassed of her, she’s feelin’ slighted So the goddess to be honest got a little bit excited She ignited quite a fight, just by tossin’ in an apple Said “From Eris, to the fairest,” Zeus is thinkin’ Oh snap I’ll Have tajudicate a beauty pageant, that could be bad One goddess will be happy, and the others might get kinda mad. So he had quite a brilliant idea, Said “Who else wants to be the one to judge the three divas?” Ares said, “That would be a strategic mistake” Poseidon said “I will - SHIT IS THAT AN EARTHQUAKE?” Hermes wasn’t there, he had “messages to take” Dionysis prolly would’ve but was too fuckin’ baked. Oh hey, Dionysis, I forgot about that guy Spent his third trimester chillin snug in Zeus’s fat thigh Bein’ Tracked by Zeus’s woman because of a couple of indiscretions, Oh those are too good, really you should hear about those in this lesson (Chorus) When it came to mackin Zeus was never slackin’ There weren’t a province of his kingdom that he didn’t make the beast with two backs-in And beast is the right word for the way he be attackin Once his tactic was to turn into a bird and get crackin With a lady name a Leda, he was dressed as a swan, Flashed a sexy peck a plumes and they were getting it on, Makin love with lovely Leda on the bank of the pond Then his large libido lead him from the lake to the lawn Where he made eyes at Io, turned her into a cow Then he turned into a cow to plow Europa, wow, Iodame, and Niobe, Eurynome got deflowered With Danae he gave new meaning to the phrase “Golden Showers” With Aegina he’s an eagle, he be makin’ the rounds Touched the staras with Elara, then put her underground Never married Maera, or took Electra on a date and Olympias claimed he was the dad of Alex the Great He raped Lamia, Laodamia, Podarge and Thalia, (who could have been his daughter) Then he hiked up Himalia Poked at Plouto and Pyrrha, Did Antiope like a satyr Tried hard ta get Taygete but she said “see you later,” Met Alcmene as her husband, blew his load wityh a chortle Callisto’s last on the listo but just the list of the mortals Except a chick named Semele, when they made love it was gory But she gave Dionysis birth which brings me back to the story (Chorus) Zeus delivered Dionysis, Dionysis made the party And the party is the way the Trojan war had gotten started see The gods and all the goddesses were stumped, thanks to Eris Til they said, “Let’s get a mortal, hey I know this dude, Paris” Now Paris is impartial, but the ladies don’t care They all decide to offer bribes, and the affair is barely fair So Hera says “I’ll make you king,” Athena says “I’ll make you wise,” And Aphrodite says “I’ll get you laid,” he’s just a guy So he gets Helen of Sparta and makes her Helen of Troy She was the wife of Menelaus now he’s kind of annoyed, so he leads an army, fights with it, wins the Trojan War And everyone in Troy is killed, the end – shit, you wanted more? Look, the gods give us just a little time, and less inspiration Try to tell it all and you might get a bit impatient the beginning of a story always sparks yet another Like that party? The wedding of Achilles’ mother. And if you thought they were irrelevant, the stories I’m telling, All you need to do is listen to this fact about Helen she was conceived by Zeus and Leda playin’ birds of a feather Now you see how this shit all comes back together?
2.
This isn’t where I thought I would be in 11 years, where the highlight of my life is some pool and a couple beers Steered clear of drugs, I always studied for fear That I would find myself residing in a place like here Takin orders, getting older, my incompetence assumed Three quarters of a physics degree and a push broom I was savin and prayin stayin’ north of the border, But gravity is on this side, the path is much shorter I know there’s always tomorrow, that I should keep up hope, But the futures always there, never ever here, nope Not once was I discovered like good will I hunt As all the technicians visit and I bear the brunt Of all the shit that they leave, this ring full of keys, Saying “Morning Mister Hawking” like a mouthful of bees Could’ve cured a disease, immense expertise Now I’m dusting off some helmets, who the fuck invented these? The’re a tangle of wires, the sautering is shoddily connecting all these gadgets to a carbon fiber body Left forgotten in a corner, should I touch this stuff? Why the hell not, look I’m just tidying up So I’m mixin up solutions to the proper molarity It starts heating up, I reverse the polarity, It’s scarin’ me, the temperature continues to climb. I see UNEXPECTEDLY I’VE INVENTED A TIME MACHINE I’m makin billy pilgrim jealous I’m climbing trellises of relevant events to make a mess of an elegant confluence of space and time Deliver bass and rhyme I’m walkin on the border never thought I’d break these lines Take your time, sit back and brace your mind And let me take you to the future and retrace, rewind, Now remind me of a part of the future I haven’t looted and I’ll do it, visor down and the paradoxes precluded I’m brewin’ thick elixirs for scientists they eluded Now I knew it all along although I just traveled through it Causality screw it I’ll never regret Reality needed me to get ahead Humanity blew it So I took over and fled I’m bringin it back from the dead I’m making the present the future I’m smuggling thoughts in my head In bed with the minds of the nation while stealing the shit that they said I plagiarize shit that ain’t written yet those fuckers plagiarized my shit instead I publish the words that I’ve read There’s physicists being mislead I’m meeting myself in the future I’m shaking my hand and I’m asking my name and I’m sure that I’m-
3.
I’m really good at sex, I’m really good at sex We should have sex Cause I’m really good at sex I’m really good at sex, I’m really good at sex We should have sex Cause I’m really good at sex I’m really good at sex, I’m really good at sex Got the ladies in the king size screamin’ “yes yes” While I’m chain smokin’ smirkin’ sayin “Next, Next” Cause I got the Showman brand on her left breast The best dressed, fit my bed with the excess So many babies every time I bang it’s incest. In another sinfest, got to confess I’m an emotional cripple. Got a label says place clamps here on my nipple. Kiss and Tell is for band geeks, I’m so obsessed I can text with my ass cheeks, Past weeks filled with debauchery, my pad reeks, Can’t speak, every time I try to my jaw creaks, Panties lining up the shelves like antiques You’d think I was a circus when I got all these hot freaks Hot seat ready as I’m showin’ in the next guest And I’m only getting better cause I’m really good at sex. I’m really good at sex, I’m really good at sex I’m eating out the ladies like a dongasaurus rex. And I wreck necks every time my pecs flex Ladies are impressed when I give a pearl necklace I induce monsoon quantities of wetness Vetted as the world’s first hetero erectus Get it? I’m a veteran, sex is always active and never ever passive. I can’t believe I haven’t said it yet – my dick is massive. Class 5 hurricaine of ass in my mansion, I’m jabbin at that ass with a class 9 man-shiv, Sex is essential, if I lack it then I can’t live. Got a ton of tail like I’m radioactive. Strapped to my thighs and the ladies held captive. Wanna know why? Cause I’m so damn attractive. Fact is I’m ready and I’m never not erect. Abundant evidence suggests I’m really good at sex.
4.
I get Up when it’s dark and I put on my clothes from the flo and I go to the kitchen Spit up the last two beers that I drank, put the caps back on, put em back in the fridge’n I go to the sink, bring a mug to my desk and I cough up a coffee, pick up a butt And I hack - a cigarette onto the end. As I forget yesterday’s news with the why when where and the what Who am I? Think I got lost somewhen Again, I get in my car and I back out the driveway and then I pull into work where I sit as I suck words into my pen And eventually head to the Xerox, and feed in a whole stack of pages, reduce them to one Keep it sitting on my desk for a bit while I pull a whole book out the shredder, and it never gets done When I’m done in the morning, I’m left with more work left than was done when I got here Not only that but my paycheck’s gone, and I’m not sure where, but it’s cool, cause I got beer So I go home and I back in the driveway, back in the house and I drink two beers and a coffee And cough in a cigarette, at a set time, drop my clothes on the floor in my room like a zombie
5.
Oedipus unedited, I think I need a sedative Hereditary fairy fucked the shit out of his relatives The fella did, did in his dad, and then bedded his Mother, none other, yall shocked when ya redded this You might wanna listen to a better myth instead a this muderous lecherous platinum medalist But if you’re still spinnin this I guess that you accept the risk I’m not taking credit for the fetidness, get at this: We meet the dude in Cadmus, a land beset with sadness, Beholden to the madness of a sphinx, Eddy outthinks And riddles it with stab wounds, a bad moon is rising When he rises to the throne, (the king is missing, that’s surprising!) Enterprising young man that he is, he gets hitched To the queen, name a Jocasta, amassed riches Which is not to say the two weren’t perfect for each other I mean, besides the fact she’s old enough to be his mother. But Cadmus isn’t well, it’s like doomed, in a rut Constant gloom overcast on the women with their wombs sewed shut Let that blind hermaphrodite with the visions so tight Shed some light on the subject Tiresias is like okay, but you gotta be objective Since I expect it is likely That when I tell your future you ain’t really gonna like me “Why,” says Oedipus, “Did you cause the plague just to spite me?” Not quite, see… Oh Oedipus Your world is melting like the waxy wings of Daedalus And your biography does nothing but unsettle us How did you trip into this sinfest When all yall was tryin to do was avoid incest Tirese says the crops won’t do what they ought because the late king’s killer has yet to be caught and that the current king’s currently the killer they sought Oedipus is like kid, are you try’na get shot? He says I’m not, but you gotta face facts, no take-backs I drop veracious prophecies so heavy they break backs The fate smacks keep coming, the killer is none other Than his kids’ father and brother, son and husband to his mother I’m out And there’s doubt comin’ out the king’s ears He hasn’t even seen his parents for a number of years And Jocasta starts laughing “this prophecy’s egregious! He’s full of more shit than the stables of Augeus Look I mean this, oracles are known for their meanness See, back when I was ridin king Lais’s penis I seen dis, they dissed him with this mystical shit Said you’re son’ll be your death, but he resisted a fit shipped his kid to a mountan top and left him for dead And was ransacked in Thebes by some bandits instead! Oh! See that shit was allegorical Got pity for the fool placin’ trust in an oracle But all that oratorical is lost on our hero Cuz HE did some killing in Thebes the other year so He’s Worrying he IS the dude that murdered the king And what does he do? Well there’s only one thing And that’s forget all about it, but forget that He calls a witness to the massacre though soon he will regret that Oh Oedipus Your world is melting like the waxy wings of Deadalus And your biography does nothing but unsettle us HOW DID YOU TRIP INTO THIS SINFEST WHEN ALL YALL WERE TRYING TO DO WAS AVOID INCEST Some necessary backstory, fore we progress See Eddy kinda came to Cadmus under duress An oracle in Corinth which his parents posess Said “You’re gonna fuck your-“ fuck this,I bet you can guess So when a message comes from Corinth to the court of our cast That says our hero’s father Polybus has finally passed He’s like AT LAST! Now I can’t kill my dad cause he’s dead I can focus on avoiding mom’s vagina instead! What’s that you said? Says the messenger incredulously Contradicting information Oedipus has fed to us He says I was a shepherd who a sheperd accosted Like hey I found this baby, get this fucker adopted So I dropped YOU in Corinth this should make it apparent Your care takers in Corinth were not really your birth parents And this is the worst scare Oedipus has ever had If those weren’t his parents, who the fuck is his dad? Well the answer is clear to Jocasta at least And she asks him to please just cancel his meeting With the other sheperd, who to make matters worse Is the witness he called at the end of last verse But Eddy’s like I got go after the truth Speak fast, second shepherd, lemme ask you for proof And the man is aloof, but at last no excuse, Says Jocasta’s your mom, you’re a bastard forsooth Oh Oedipus, your world is melting like the waxy wings of deadalus And your biography does nothing but unsettle us How did you trip into this sinfest When all yall was tryin’ to do was avoid incest? The shepherd got a baby with it’s feet nailed together Was supposed to leave it out to get devoured by the weather The baby came from Laius who was worried it would kill him And suddenly our hero Oedipus becomes the villain Unwilling to face the disgrace of her actions Jocasta wraps a rope round her neck til it snaps Eddy happens upon her dead body as she dies Grabs the pins from her dress, pins the tears to his eyes At this stage the curtain descends and the choral Contingent come and visit to deliver a moral Consider no man fortunate until he is dead Or maybe just stop utilizing prophets instead

about

This a bunch of tracks I have recorded (and in some cases even produced) over the years. A lot of them are about mythology and at least as many are about sex. Where these two topics intersect lies what I like to call "the sweet spot."

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released August 20, 2010

If you hear music going on in the background and you think it is pretty sweet, or if the vocal mixing doesn't totally suck, chances are it is the fault of Evan Morris (check out www.hydrophonics.altadenarecords.com)

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Frosty The Showman San José, Costa Rica

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