Hat Trick

by Frosty The Showman

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This a bunch of tracks I have recorded (and in some cases even produced) over the years. A lot of them are about mythology and at least as many are about sex. Where these two topics intersect lies what I like to call "the sweet spot."


released August 20, 2010

If you hear music going on in the background and you think it is pretty sweet, or if the vocal mixing doesn't totally suck, chances are it is the fault of Evan Morris (check out www.hydrophonics.altadenarecords.com)




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Track Name: Sing Muse
My name's Homer, and don't you dare ask if it's Simpson
You make that mistake and my vision turns crimson
Who wins in the collision of the Greeks and the Trojans?
If you read it already then you're already knowin
but in case you is illiterate perhaps I shouldn't skip to it,
the story starts in Ilium some Trojans took a trip to it
Flipped a bitch, try'na get at a Trojan player
Paris taken Helen but he isn't s'posed to Mene-lay-her
prayers to the gods are flyin' left and right, beggin' for a fight,
Then Achilles quits the battle out of spite, cripes
Let me just back-track a little,
Because I lost track of the tale in the middle,
And you can't just fiddle with the cannon, cause you'll fail,
So lemme tell the tale leading up to the tale.

Sing Muse
Try to keep me on track while I
Sing Muse
Cause I need you at my back when I
Sing Muse
But I keep back-trackin’ cause without what’s before what’s after is lackin’

So the pantheon was havin' them a party, all night, they
Put some effort into makin' up the guest list, tidy
Rockin' Zeus Hera Ares Aphrodite, Athena
Hermes Vulcan - if you're roman - but a biddy weren't invited
Little Eris, they’re embarrassed of her, she’s feelin’ slighted
So the goddess to be honest got a little bit excited
She ignited quite a fight, just by tossin’ in an apple
Said “From Eris, to the fairest,” Zeus is thinkin’ Oh snap I’ll
Have tajudicate a beauty pageant, that could be bad
One goddess will be happy, and the others might get kinda mad.
So he had quite a brilliant idea,
Said “Who else wants to be the one to judge the three divas?”
Ares said, “That would be a strategic mistake”
Poseidon said “I will - SHIT IS THAT AN EARTHQUAKE?”
Hermes wasn’t there, he had “messages to take”
Dionysis prolly would’ve but was too fuckin’ baked.
Oh hey, Dionysis, I forgot about that guy
Spent his third trimester chillin snug in Zeus’s fat thigh
Bein’ Tracked by Zeus’s woman because of a couple of indiscretions,
Oh those are too good, really you should hear about those in this lesson


When it came to mackin Zeus was never slackin’
There weren’t a province of his kingdom that he didn’t make the beast with two backs-in
And beast is the right word for the way he be attackin
Once his tactic was to turn into a bird and get crackin
With a lady name a Leda, he was dressed as a swan,
Flashed a sexy peck a plumes and they were getting it on,
Makin love with lovely Leda on the bank of the pond
Then his large libido lead him from the lake to the lawn
Where he made eyes at Io, turned her into a cow
Then he turned into a cow to plow Europa, wow,
Iodame, and Niobe, Eurynome got deflowered
With Danae he gave new meaning to the phrase “Golden Showers”
With Aegina he’s an eagle, he be makin’ the rounds
Touched the staras with Elara, then put her underground
Never married Maera, or took Electra on a date and
Olympias claimed he was the dad of Alex the Great
He raped Lamia, Laodamia, Podarge and Thalia,
(who could have been his daughter) Then he hiked up Himalia
Poked at Plouto and Pyrrha, Did Antiope like a satyr
Tried hard ta get Taygete but she said “see you later,”
Met Alcmene as her husband, blew his load wityh a chortle
Callisto’s last on the listo but just the list of the mortals
Except a chick named Semele, when they made love it was gory
But she gave Dionysis birth which brings me back to the story


Zeus delivered Dionysis, Dionysis made the party
And the party is the way the Trojan war had gotten started see
The gods and all the goddesses were stumped, thanks to Eris
Til they said, “Let’s get a mortal, hey I know this dude, Paris”
Now Paris is impartial, but the ladies don’t care
They all decide to offer bribes, and the affair is barely fair
So Hera says “I’ll make you king,” Athena says “I’ll make you wise,”
And Aphrodite says “I’ll get you laid,” he’s just a guy
So he gets Helen of Sparta and makes her Helen of Troy
She was the wife of Menelaus now he’s kind of annoyed,
so he leads an army, fights with it, wins the Trojan War
And everyone in Troy is killed, the end – shit, you wanted more?
Look, the gods give us just a little time, and less inspiration
Try to tell it all and you might get a bit impatient
the beginning of a story always sparks yet another
Like that party? The wedding of Achilles’ mother.
And if you thought they were irrelevant, the stories I’m telling,
All you need to do is listen to this fact about Helen
she was conceived by Zeus and Leda playin’ birds of a feather
Now you see how this shit all comes back together?
Track Name: Walking on the Border
This isn’t where I thought I would be in 11 years,
where the highlight of my life is some pool and a couple beers
Steered clear of drugs, I always studied for fear
That I would find myself residing in a place like here
Takin orders, getting older, my incompetence assumed
Three quarters of a physics degree and a push broom
I was savin and prayin stayin’ north of the border,
But gravity is on this side, the path is much shorter
I know there’s always tomorrow, that I should keep up hope,
But the futures always there, never ever here, nope
Not once was I discovered like good will I hunt
As all the technicians visit and I bear the brunt
Of all the shit that they leave, this ring full of keys,
Saying “Morning Mister Hawking” like a mouthful of bees
Could’ve cured a disease, immense expertise
Now I’m dusting off some helmets, who the fuck invented these?
The’re a tangle of wires, the sautering is shoddily
connecting all these gadgets to a carbon fiber body
Left forgotten in a corner, should I touch this stuff?
Why the hell not, look I’m just tidying up
So I’m mixin up solutions to the proper molarity
It starts heating up, I reverse the polarity,
It’s scarin’ me, the temperature continues to climb. I see

I’m makin billy pilgrim jealous
I’m climbing trellises of relevant events to make a mess of an elegant confluence of space and time
Deliver bass and rhyme
I’m walkin on the border never thought I’d break these lines
Take your time, sit back and brace your mind
And let me take you to the future and retrace, rewind,
Now remind me of a part of the future I haven’t looted
and I’ll do it, visor down and the paradoxes precluded
I’m brewin’ thick elixirs for scientists they eluded
Now I knew it all along although I just traveled through it
Causality screw it
I’ll never regret
Reality needed me to get ahead
Humanity blew it
So I took over and fled
I’m bringin it back from the dead
I’m making the present the future I’m smuggling thoughts in my head
In bed with the minds of the nation while stealing the shit that they said
I plagiarize shit that ain’t written yet those fuckers plagiarized my shit instead
I publish the words that I’ve read
There’s physicists being mislead
I’m meeting myself in the future I’m shaking my hand and I’m asking my name and I’m sure that I’m-
Track Name: I'm Really Good at Sex
I’m really good at sex, I’m really good at sex
We should have sex
Cause I’m really good at sex

I’m really good at sex, I’m really good at sex
We should have sex
Cause I’m really good at sex

I’m really good at sex, I’m really good at sex
Got the ladies in the king size screamin’ “yes yes”
While I’m chain smokin’ smirkin’ sayin “Next, Next”
Cause I got the Showman brand on her left breast
The best dressed, fit my bed with the excess
So many babies every time I bang it’s incest.
In another sinfest, got to confess I’m an emotional cripple.
Got a label says place clamps here on my nipple.
Kiss and Tell is for band geeks,
I’m so obsessed I can text with my ass cheeks,
Past weeks filled with debauchery, my pad reeks,
Can’t speak, every time I try to my jaw creaks,
Panties lining up the shelves like antiques
You’d think I was a circus when I got all these hot freaks
Hot seat ready as I’m showin’ in the next guest
And I’m only getting better cause I’m really good at sex.

I’m really good at sex, I’m really good at sex
I’m eating out the ladies like a dongasaurus rex.
And I wreck necks every time my pecs flex
Ladies are impressed when I give a pearl necklace
I induce monsoon quantities of wetness
Vetted as the world’s first hetero erectus
Get it?
I’m a veteran, sex is always active and never ever passive.
I can’t believe I haven’t said it yet – my dick is massive.
Class 5 hurricaine of ass in my mansion,
I’m jabbin at that ass with a class 9 man-shiv,
Sex is essential, if I lack it then I can’t live.
Got a ton of tail like I’m radioactive.
Strapped to my thighs and the ladies held captive.
Wanna know why? Cause I’m so damn attractive.
Fact is I’m ready and I’m never not erect.
Abundant evidence suggests I’m really good at sex.
Track Name: Living Backwards
I get
Up when it’s dark and I put on my clothes from the flo and I go to the kitchen
Spit up the last two beers that I drank, put the caps back on, put em back in the fridge’n
I go to the sink, bring a mug to my desk and I cough up a coffee, pick up a butt
And I hack - a cigarette onto the end.
As I forget yesterday’s news with the why when where and the what
Who am I? Think I got lost somewhen
Again, I get in my car and I back out the driveway and then
I pull into work where I sit as I suck words into my pen
And eventually head to the Xerox, and feed in a whole stack of pages, reduce them to one
Keep it sitting on my desk for a bit while I pull a whole book out the shredder, and it never gets done
When I’m done in the morning, I’m left with more work left than was done when I got here
Not only that but my paycheck’s gone, and I’m not sure where, but it’s cool, cause I got beer
So I go home and I back in the driveway, back in the house and I drink two beers and a coffee
And cough in a cigarette, at a set time, drop my clothes on the floor in my room like a zombie
Track Name: Oedipus Unedited
Oedipus unedited, I think I need a sedative
Hereditary fairy fucked the shit out of his relatives
The fella did, did in his dad, and then bedded his
Mother, none other, yall shocked when ya redded this
You might wanna listen to a better myth instead a this
muderous lecherous platinum medalist
But if you’re still spinnin this I guess that you accept the risk
I’m not taking credit for the fetidness, get at this:
We meet the dude in Cadmus, a land beset with sadness,
Beholden to the madness of a sphinx, Eddy outthinks
And riddles it with stab wounds, a bad moon is rising
When he rises to the throne, (the king is missing, that’s surprising!)
Enterprising young man that he is, he gets hitched
To the queen, name a Jocasta, amassed riches
Which is not to say the two weren’t perfect for each other
I mean, besides the fact she’s old enough to be his mother.
But Cadmus isn’t well, it’s like doomed, in a rut
Constant gloom overcast on the women with their wombs sewed shut

Let that blind hermaphrodite with the visions so tight
Shed some light on the subject
Tiresias is like okay, but you gotta be objective
Since I expect it is likely
That when I tell your future you ain’t really gonna like me
“Why,” says Oedipus, “Did you cause the plague just to spite me?”
Not quite, see…

Oh Oedipus
Your world is melting like the waxy wings of Daedalus
And your biography does nothing but unsettle us

How did you trip into this sinfest
When all yall was tryin to do was avoid incest

Tirese says the crops won’t do what they ought
because the late king’s killer has yet to be caught
and that the current king’s currently the killer they sought
Oedipus is like kid, are you try’na get shot?
He says I’m not, but you gotta face facts, no take-backs
I drop veracious prophecies so heavy they break backs
The fate smacks keep coming, the killer is none other
Than his kids’ father and brother, son and husband to his mother
I’m out
And there’s doubt comin’ out the king’s ears
He hasn’t even seen his parents for a number of years
And Jocasta starts laughing “this prophecy’s egregious!
He’s full of more shit than the stables of Augeus
Look I mean this, oracles are known for their meanness
See, back when I was ridin king Lais’s penis
I seen dis, they dissed him with this mystical shit
Said you’re son’ll be your death, but he resisted a fit
shipped his kid to a mountan top and left him for dead
And was ransacked in Thebes by some bandits instead!
Oh! See that shit was allegorical
Got pity for the fool placin’ trust in an oracle
But all that oratorical is lost on our hero
Cuz HE did some killing in Thebes the other year so
He’s Worrying he IS the dude that murdered the king
And what does he do? Well there’s only one thing
And that’s forget all about it, but forget that
He calls a witness to the massacre though soon he will regret that

Oh Oedipus
Your world is melting like the waxy wings of Deadalus
And your biography does nothing but unsettle us


Some necessary backstory, fore we progress
See Eddy kinda came to Cadmus under duress
An oracle in Corinth which his parents posess
Said “You’re gonna fuck your-“ fuck this,I bet you can guess
So when a message comes from Corinth to the court of our cast
That says our hero’s father Polybus has finally passed
He’s like AT LAST! Now I can’t kill my dad cause he’s dead
I can focus on avoiding mom’s vagina instead!
What’s that you said? Says the messenger incredulously
Contradicting information Oedipus has fed to us
He says I was a shepherd who a sheperd accosted
Like hey I found this baby, get this fucker adopted
So I dropped YOU in Corinth this should make it apparent
Your care takers in Corinth were not really your birth parents
And this is the worst scare Oedipus has ever had
If those weren’t his parents, who the fuck is his dad?
Well the answer is clear to Jocasta at least
And she asks him to please just cancel his meeting
With the other sheperd, who to make matters worse
Is the witness he called at the end of last verse
But Eddy’s like I got go after the truth
Speak fast, second shepherd, lemme ask you for proof
And the man is aloof, but at last no excuse,
Says Jocasta’s your mom, you’re a bastard forsooth

Oh Oedipus, your world is melting like the waxy wings of deadalus
And your biography does nothing but unsettle us

How did you trip into this sinfest
When all yall was tryin’ to do was avoid incest?

The shepherd got a baby with it’s feet nailed together
Was supposed to leave it out to get devoured by the weather
The baby came from Laius who was worried it would kill him
And suddenly our hero Oedipus becomes the villain
Unwilling to face the disgrace of her actions
Jocasta wraps a rope round her neck til it snaps
Eddy happens upon her dead body as she dies
Grabs the pins from her dress, pins the tears to his eyes
At this stage the curtain descends and the choral
Contingent come and visit to deliver a moral
Consider no man fortunate until he is dead
Or maybe just stop utilizing prophets instead